Between the enigma that is current-day Russia, with its assortment of mob bosses and former KGB officers vying for power, and all the angry white men driving around around the U.S. in big black pickup trucks with guns under the driver’s seat, there are, it seems, one hell of a lot of angry people in the world, making it a more dangerous place than it probably has to be. I may have a solution, courtesy of Ian Flemming, the guy who wrote all those James Bond books.
Remember in “Goldfinger,” when Pussy Galore and her girls loaded up their planes with knockout gas and flew over Fort Knox, knocking out all the people on the ground so that Goldfinger’s crew could march in and steal all the gold? Well, let’s do the same thing, but with even more planes flying over our red states, which is where so many of these uber-angry people appear to be located. Let’s just blanket the deep South with laughing gas. The biggest chill pill in history. It Might not last forever, but it’ll keep all the rednecks laughing, at least for a while. And maybe it’ll have a prolonged impact, with at least some of the gassed goobers realizing that it’s okay to feel good. It’s okay to actually relax, that they don’t have to be constantly pissed off about how others want to live their lives. That maybe it’s okay for them to be periodically happy. That’s where part two of my plan would kick in. Free weed for everybody.
We appear to have plenty of people growing marijuana in the country, both legally and illegally. Why not have the government buy it, certify it, and hand it out. Edibles and joints for everybody over the age of 18. It would give millions just the change in attitude they need. And it’s not addicting. The government might charge a nominal fee to cover shipping and handling and maybe use it to start a college fund for unwanted children.
If the weed doesn’t have the desired affect, we can follow up with an aerial bombardment of Texas and the deep South with laughing gas on a regular basis. At the very least it’ll get the goobers to forget about their hatred of anyone who might not share their religious and political beliefs or those who might look like they emanated from a different tribe ten to twenty thousand years ago. Maybe we could get them to turn in their guns for grass?
If all of this seems a bit on the radical side, please consider: There are now 393 million privately owned firearms in the United States. That’s 120 guns for every 100 Americans. Something needs to be done. Why not free pot and laughing gas? It’s at least as sane as our gun ownership numbers.